Sinking Ships
by kelsey731
Summary: Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind? Third part to Disarm.
1. Chapter 1

There are five stages of grieving. The first being denial, or isolation.

She had had the intention of running to the district borders. When he had found her, she had been pretty damn close to achieving it. Her hair was full of sand, her palms bloodied from digging her nails into them, and her throat raw from screaming. She hadn't made a sound when he scooped her into his arms and carried her all the way back to his house.

She hadn't made a noise at all, save a wince when he cleaned the wounds on her hands. And when he had laid her down to put her to sleep, she didn't close her eyes.

Each day passed by without her making any kind of sound. She stayed curled up in bed with the curtains closed, moving only when necessity called for it. Each day brought on darker circles under her eyes.

Finnick sat at the kitchen with his head in his hands, mind racing at what he could do to break through to her. It was like she didn't see anyone. He felt a presence behind him and knew without looking up that it was Mags. The old woman had had yet another minor stroke, and he didn't feel confident in leaving her in a giant house all on her own. She didn't seem to miss it, anyway.

She smoothed down the hair that curled around the nape of his neck and leaned down to press a kiss to the back of his head.

"Has she said anything?" Finnick asked, lifting his head to watch Mags rummage around in the pantry.

The old woman shook her head and set an aluminum tin on the counter.

"What's that?" He inquired, standing up when she beckoned to him and pointed to the cabinet above her. He opened it and pulled down a mug, setting it beside the tin and taking the kettle she gave to him to fill. "Tea?"

Mags smiled at him and she closed her eyes and rested her cheek on the back of her hand, miming sleep.

Finnick raised his brows and nodded. "Good idea." He set the kettle on the burner and sighed, raking a hand through his hair. "I'm gonna check on her." He stooped down to kiss the top of her head before exiting the kitchen and going to the room at the end of the hall.

"Rini?" He asked, knocking quietly. He pushed the door open and found her sitting up in bed, the curtains pulled open to let in the night air. He found himself at a loss for words, seeing the moonlight on her nearly translucent skin. "A-are you okay?" He blurted, immediately feeling idiotic.

Renata turned her head to look at him, her eyes a dull blue. She watched him as he walked over to her bedside and slowly lowered himself into a sitting position on the mattress. She looked terrible. Her hair frizzed everywhere and was matted from her constant tossing and turning.

"Are you hungry?" He tried a different question.

"No, I'm fine," She replied and he nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of her voice. It had been a while since he'd heard it.

His heart sped its beat and he wiped his hands on his pants nervously. "Are you tired?"

She laughed, her voice thin. "Obviously. Have you seen me lately?"

"Are you afraid you'll have nightmares if you sleep?"

Rini shook her head and she looked back out the window, closing her eyes. "I'm not afraid. I'm already living a nightmare, aren't I? To sleep would be…a welcome distraction."

"Rini," He started and then looked up when Mags appeared in the doorway, a steaming cup in her hands. He got up and offered to take the cup, stepping aside when she shook her head. The old woman shuffled to Rini's side and smiled at her, holding out the cup. She nodded in encouragement for her to drink, brushing her red hair off her shoulder.

The young woman took a pull at the tea and stuck out her tongue when she swallowed, her brows furrowed.

Mags only cackled and pushed the mug back up to her lips for another swig. Only when Renata had drained the whole thing did she accept the empty mug. She handed it off to Finnick and gently pushed Rini down by her shoulders, motioning for Finnick to close the curtains.

"Sleep now," the old woman whispered, reaching out to hold Finnick's arm. "No dreams."

"Thanks," Rini mumbled, turning onto her side. Her tired eyelids finally drooped until they shut and she let out a long sigh, all the tension disappearing from her face.

Finnick felt the overwhelming urge to stay by her side, to smooth her hair until she was all better, but Mags nudged him to lead her out. "Where'd you get that, Mags?" He asked her, watching her replace the tin in the pantry.

She brought another cup over to him from the counter and set it in front of him, nodding at him to drink.

A wave of familiarity washed over him as he brought the cup up to his mouth. He had practically lived on this stuff after he'd started making extra visits to the Capitol. His mother had been slaughtered on his front lawn, and he didn't think he would have anyone to come back to. Mags had been waiting for him at the train station, her arms open for him. She'd stayed with him even when he hadn't made it easy on her. Between lashing out in fury and breaking down in sobs, he didn't sleep. A heavy regiment of her tea seemed to do the trick.

Already he could feel the effect of the tea and he stood up, enveloping the old woman in a hug. "Thank you," he murmured against her hair. After seeing her to her own bed, he trudged down the hallway to the stairs. "Too far," He mumbled and instead laid down on the couch, where the tea took full effect on him, and he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

At least the dark circles were gone.

Finnick swallowed as he watched Renata sit motionless at the dinner table, the only time he ever saw her out of her room. Her hands cupped a mug of tea and she watched the steam rise without blinking. She looked a hair better, but only just. She rarely spoke, and took to locking herself in her room. Had he been the same way after his mother's death? Had he not spoken for a week at a time or barely eaten?

It was hard to believe that she was the same girl he'd mentored. Even after the games, after Seneca trapping her into a marriage, she had still been herself. This hollow, fragile ghost that sat across from him was a stranger.

"Why are you staring at me?"

Finnick blinked and he saw that Rini was looking at him, those eyes never ceasing to make him feel like he was suddenly very small. "I'm thinking of what to say to you," he replied sheepishly. Might as well be honest. What was he supposed to say to the girl he loved desperately who was grieving over her dead foster father?

"Come up with anything yet?" She sipped at her tea and only her mouth twitched with her distaste for it.

"I miss you."

She blinked in surprise and looked at him for a moment, her eyebrows knit. There was a flash of longing that came over her face and she covered it quickly. She slowly pushed her chair back and left the kitchen, her footsteps quiet as she went to her room.

Finnick jumped up when he heard her door close and he went to it, knocking. "Rini, please," He swallowed. "I know you want to be alone. I know you don't want to face this." He stopped, listening for any sign of her. "I know that it feels like the end of the world, I…I've been there, too. It's hard to have courage to face it, to live, to go on with your own life. I'm not trying to tell you it's okay, because it isn't."

Her door opened a crack and he looked down into her teary eyes, gripping the door frame tightly so he wouldn't burst in and hold her against her will.

"You told me that you wanted to become whole without me, and I respect that," he continued in a whisper. "But you don't have to cut me out completely. You don't have to face it alone. I'm right here."

"I don't want them to hurt you," Renata whispered through the small space. "Everyone I love gets hurt because of me. All my fault," she added very quietly, to herself. Like she was reminding herself.

"I'm not expendable."

"Not yet," She shook her head.

How he wished she would just throw the door open and let him take some of her grief away. Or just endure it with her, anything but leave her alone. "Let me in, Renata."

"I will if you tell me that this ends," Renata whispered. "Tell me I'll stop feeling like this."

Finnick swallowed and he stayed silent, searching her eyes for whatever she was getting at. He couldn't tell her that truthfully. And she knew that.

"Well? Go on, then," she whispered, a tear running down her cheek. "Lie to me, Finnick."

He felt his heart break at the pain in her eyes and he shook his head. "I can't," he whispered. "I can't do that, Rini. I'm sorry."

"I know," she shook her head and closed the door, the lock clicking a moment.

Finnick rested his forehead against the door and he closed his eyes. He could break down the door if he wanted to. A lock couldn't keep him out. He gripped the door frame tighter, feeling his arms tremble.

She needed space. She needed time. Time healed all wounds, right?

He stood upright and very gently placed his palm on the door that separated them. "I'm so sorry," he whispered and walked away.

**Surprise, bitches! I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!**

**kjfsdk Sorry, couldn't resist. I couldn't stand taking an extended break between stories, so haaaa here I am! Already we're seeing a different Rini than the first two. She's hurting, and confused, and still trying to rely on herself to pick herself up. I've got so so much planned still for Rini and Finnick and I'm so excited for you to read! I also think instead of separating Catching Fire and Mockingjay, this story is going to include the events from both.  
**

**I hope you enjoyed this first chapter, if you would pleeease let me know what you thought about it, favorite, and follow ;)**

**And if you're looking for more good reads, check out Cosette Everdeen's A Slow Hurt and Heart of Stone! And for another wonderful Finnick/OC series, check out Maddie Rose's Dig Up The Bones and Leave The Soul Alone! Wow, such talented lovelies!  
**

**If I don't update by Christmas, hope you all have a lovely one!**

**-Kelsey x**


	2. Chapter 2

There are five stages of grieving. The second being anger.

Ever since the 74rd games had ended the way they had, talks of the rebellion had been growing. Planning, scheming in secret to rise up and overthrow the tyrannous Capitol was behind almost every closed door in not only District Four, but most of the other districts as well.

Everyone's door except Finnick's. He took to going to speak of the rebellion behind other people's doors. It would look suspicious if he held meetings every weekend. He would definitely draw too much of the wrong attention. And maybe he didn't want to bring Rini in on any of it.

She had eventually come out of her room. She didn't have to take so much of Mags' tea for sleep to find her. But where the desire to be alone had been, a deep, unpredictable anger had replaced it. It had taken over her as the previous stage had done, festering inside her and always present. Anger over Cecil and what had been done to her as well. She was angry and thirsty for revenge of any kind.

The thought of bringing her up to speed at what was brewing in the districts made his stomach turn. She'd jump at the chance to be involved and either end up getting herself hurt, or blowing the whole thing.

But it was too late now.

She had found out in passing, when he'd finally gotten her to get out of the house and into civilization again. A bloke had come up to him and asked about a get-together and he had tried to twist out of it, but not before Rini had heard. She knew he was hiding something from her and that was all it took to set her off in a fit of fury.

"Rini?" he asked, knocking at her locked door.

"Go away," her voice came from inside.

"Come on, I want to talk to you. Please?" He waited a few moments before the door opened and the young girl stood in the doorway, her eyebrows furrowed. "Can I come in?"

She jutted her chin out and turned, going inside but not slamming the door in his face. "That's close enough," she pointed at him when he closed the door. "Now then, what is it?"

Finnick took a breath and he stuck his hands in his pockets. "About the other day in the market. I didn't mean to act like what I was doing was a secret from you-"

"What was it, then? Something you just happened to completely forget to tell me?"

"No, just listen-"

"Listen?!" Her voice slipped up to a shrill tone. "You had the nerve to keep something like this from me? For fuck's sake, Finnick, you aren't my mentor anymore! I'm going to be nineteen this year! I have a right to know things for myself!" Her hands clenched into fists at her sides and they trembled slightly, her knuckles turning white. "If I was attending secret meetings about an uprising, I wouldn't have to even think about telling you. After everything they've done to you, it'd be unfair not to. Don't you think so? After what they've done to me?"

"I'm sorry!" he yelled, banging his fist on the door. "I was going to tell you, I just… can't you understand that I was trying to protect you?"

"I need you to be honest with me," she said in a much softer voice. When he looked at her, he saw that she had her eyes closed and her hands were relaxed. "You're the only person I can trust to be honest with me, and when you keep secrets…" She opened her eyes and swallowed, licking her lips. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Finn."

Finnick softened considerably and he risked a step towards her. "I'm sorry," he said again, his voice a soft burr. "I was wrong to keep it from you, you're right. It wasn't my decision to make."

Renata nodded in agreement. "Will you tell me about it, now?" She sat down on the bed and motioned for him to have a seat.

"Not here," he shook his head. "Come with me and I'll tell you whatever you want to know."

* * *

"Now everything that I've told you hasn't been set in concrete. These meetings that I have gone to, its mostly just angry people throwing around their two bits. Nothing has been planned officially. People want to riot in the streets and cut off the Capitol's supply, but could you really see any of that making a difference?" Finnick asked, tugging on the end of a rope to tighten a knot in place.

"It never has before," Renata murmured, her feet dangling over the side of Finnick's boat. She could feel them moving up and down, the waves gently lolling them like they were in a cradle. The hair on her arms stood on end when she thought of the riot that had nearly claimed Cecil's life. They had bombed the cannery without a moment's hesitation and the message had been received. She raised her head and looked back at the shore, trying to spot the building. He had just barely escaped death at that time. She swallowed and looked back at the net Finnick was mending, trying to keep her thoughts away from Cecil. "So it's nothing serious, whatever these meetings are about?"

"No, it's serious," He shook his head and looked up, the corners of his mouth twitching up. "Everyone is very serious. Even meeting and whispering about it is dangerous. You understand," He nodded, also thinking about the cannery incident.

"Thank you for telling me," Renata said after a quiet moment. "I'm sorry I overreacted like I did, I can't help but get angry. It's scary," she swallowed and fidgeted with her hands, the stone on her finger glinting in the afternoon sun. "I can feel it build up in my chest and all through my body, I hate it."

"It'll get better with more time, I promise," He gave her a reassuring smile and looked at her hand. "Is that your wedding ring?"

She furrowed her brows in confusion and looked at her hand, "Oh. Yeah, it was."

"Any reason you're keeping it?" He tried to sound casual, inspecting his handiwork.

"It was my mother's before Seneca and I were married," She gently ran her finger along the silver band, smiling. "It's one of the only things I have of hers; I didn't want to just throw it away because of him. And maybe I want to keep it for him a little. I can't explain it," she blushed, biting her lower lip. "He hurt me, and humiliated me, but…I can't help but think that he really did care for me. That sounds crazy, doesn't it?"

"Kind of, yeah," Finnick murmured, not looking up.

"I didn't love him. I…I feel sorrow for him, that's all, I guess."

He looked up and he reached out to pat her on her shoulder. "You have your reasons. You don't have to try and explain to me why," He spoke softly.

She nodded and looked back out at the gentle waves, sighing. "I keep wondering when I'll get called back." The thought made her stomach turn and she shivered. "Soon, I expect."

Finnick sighed and he tossed the net behind him, scooting closer to Rini. "At least you can come home after," He offered with a shrug. There wasn't really anything he could say that would make it any more bearable. "It's hardest the first time. Then you can just…go through the motions. It gets easier. It becomes routine."

She pursed her lips and nodded, leaning her head against his shoulder and automatically adjusting herself against his side when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "Is it always a routine? Do you ever catch yourself enjoying it?"

"No, not really. Like I said, it's bearable. I have a couple regulars that I don't mind as much. But then again, they still bought me. It's still embarrassing. We don't have to talk about this, Rini."

She nodded, breathing a sigh of relief.

"But if it would help, I could arrange my next trip to be the same time that you go. If you like," He offered, rubbing her arm. "I could offer myself in place of you."

"No!" She gasped. "I don't want you to do that!"

"I'm used to it. It wouldn't be a big deal, honestly. Then you wouldn't have to worry about dealing with that too." He let go of her when she scooted back to look at him with furrowed brows.

"I don't mean to put you through my hell when you're already in it. I can…I can do it. I don't need you to protect me, Finn."

"You're right," he shrugged, making a move to stand up. "You said it yourself; I'm not your mentor anymore. What am I then?"

She was quiet as they held one another's gaze for a few moments, his question hanging in the air between them. Finally, she spoke.

"You're home."

**Hello friends! Happy New Year! I hope you all are pleased to see an update at last! And such a...relatively nice one, aww :')**

**Thank you to everyone who has followed and favorited, and especially reviewed! Nothing makes me more happy than to hear what you like or didn't like about the chapter :') can this get 20 reviews before chapter 3? Bwahaha just kidding! Hehe..**

**I wanted to expand a little on Renata's complicated relationship with Seneca, so I hope that if you were wondering why she was the way she was with him in Undertow, I hope that helped a little. If not, feel free to shoot me a PM, I'd love to talk about anything!**

**Thanks for reading, and stay warm, you diamonds!**

**-Kelsey x**


	3. Chapter 3

There are five stages of grieving. The third being bargaining- a need to regain control.

"Can I get you anything? A glass of wine or anything?" Breccan, the highest bidder with a long crooked nose asked her as they moved room to room in his modest Capitol apartment.

Renata smiled, her lips painted red. "I'll have whatever you're having," she ran her hand absentmindedly over a tabletop, surprised when her fingers left streaks in dust. She had thought everything in the Capitol would be spick and span. Seneca's apartment surely had been. When Breccan returned, she accepted the wine from him and smiled, tipping her glass against his with a small clink before sipping at it. He was looking at her curiously over his goblet, appraising her. "Is something the matter?" She laughed softly, fixing a curl that had fallen from her updo.

"No, not at all," he continued to smile and stare. "You look different than I remember seeing you on the television."

"I get that a lot," She took another sip and tried to assuage the nervousness that ebbed at her. "You aren't star struck, are you?" She felt like slapping herself for sounding so haughty. Instead she gave him what she hoped was a sultry smile. The effect was only helped by the touches of makeup Fascal had quickly swiped onto her, complaining that he needed more time with her. With his growing fame and her residence not in the Capitol anymore, he was missing the meetings with his muse.

Breccan chuckled, shrugging and grabbing her arm, gently walking her back towards what she assumed to be his bedroom. She had to commend him on not wasting any time. The quicker it was over, the quicker she could leave. "I take it that Seneca is out of the picture, since you're here?" He motioned for her to sit and the faint ache from where she'd gotten her birth control injection made her want to rub her bottom when she sat.

Her stomach turned, having hoping that that wouldn't come up. But why wouldn't he know about things like that, when he was into courting prostitutes? "You would assume correctly," she murmured, taking a longer pull at her wine.

"It was a little intimidating getting offered to be his replacement. I left that position willingly after my few years, thank you very much. Good thing Heavensbee rose to the occasion, what with it being a Quarter Quell year and all," He shrugged and took her glass for her, setting the both of them on top what looked like a woman's jewelry box. He started to undo the tie of her dress at the front casually as he continued to speak. "Can't imagine he'd disappoint."

Renata shivered as his fingers trailed down the sides of her neck and he sat down beside her and leaned in, beginning to kiss at her neck. She gave him a small whimper, pressing her legs together. Come on, it wouldn't be so bad. But his talk of the Quarter Quell had started a buzzing in her brain and she didn't realize he was saying her name until he gave her shoulder a small shake. "What?"

"Got something on your mind?" He asked with his brow raised. He opened his mouth, like he was about to mention the sum of money he'd dropped for her company. "Put your hand in my lap," he said, shedding his jacket and working on the fastens of his shirt.

She obeyed him without a second thought, slowly moving her hand up and down his thigh until she was rubbing him though his trousers. How many times had she just gone through the motions like this with Seneca? She could be a pretty good actress, she thought, but he always seemed to see through it. After the fact, when he was recovered, he'd look at her with a mix of frustration and disappointment. She moved so she was kneeling on the ground in front of him, her hands moving to undo his pants. Her heart had begun to race as he helped her pull his pants off, his arousal becoming evident through his underwear. Breccan mumbled something, but it didn't sound like any command, so she kept going.

Minutes later when he was hard and slick and in her mouth, he repeated what he had mumbled, more clearly this time, "Mother…"

She choked quietly but didn't let up. He could do whatever; call her whatever he wanted to, it didn't matter. He stopped her before she could finish him off, helping her off her knees and onto the bed. His hands undressed her naked and he looked at her body, not her face, like he wasn't really seeing her.

He reached over into the bedside table and pulled out a bottle of what looked like gel, only he rubbed it elsewhere, making her blush. A bit more awkward situating and he was inside her, driving up again and again to her very core. Renata moaned and moved her hips along with his, her fingers grabbing onto his shoulders. "Ohh…just like that, don't stop," she breathed in his ear, frowning when he shushed her.

Breccen buried his face against her neck and he resumed his sporadic thrusts, which she tried to keep up with. "Mother," he moaned over and over, whispering and yelling. He sniffled and began to move faster, his skin making a soft sort of slapping noise against her hips. He rolled off of her when he was spent, sniveling quietly. Renata swallowed and she rolled over to face him, daring to put a hand on his chest. She could feel what he had left inside her slowly oozing out and she wanted to scrub herself raw. What had happened to this man that made him act like this? To call out for his mother during sex, to cry afterwards…he was like a child. He held onto her hand as he cried, his face turned away from her and his frame trembling as he fought off more tears.

Renata swallowed again as she thought of her own mother, a distant stranger. She wished more than anything that she was alive. Would she love her like her father hadn't? Maybe her father would have loved her if she hadn't died. She bit her lip and felt tears well in her eyes. What would her mother say if she had seen her grow up? Would she have been proud of her winning the games, or appalled at the way she had spilled another person's blood? And what about now; if her mother could see her, lying with a complete stranger, no better than a slave, would she look on her with pity or with shame? She felt cheated. Why was she given the life she had? Why couldn't she have grown up with two happy parents, in a world without the Hunger Games, or the Capitol?

If only she hadn't been born. She thought about that a lot, lately. If she hadn't been born, then Irina would still be alive. She and her father would have been happy together. Cecil would have never come to know that complete screw up that she was, and he would still be alive with the ones that loved him. Maybe if she hadn't been born, so many people would still be alive.

She curled up against Breccen and wept with him for mothers long gone.

* * *

He'd come along with her despite her protestations. And it hadn't been hard for him to get onto the train with her; he could charm the birds right out of the trees when he wanted to. But she wouldn't let him take her place, she had been adamant about that. It was both their burden, and she wouldn't have him take the weight of it. So he waited. He paced the hallways in his Capitol apartment, wandering past the décor that seemed to change with every visit he made, making his existence there feel like it would disappear in an instant.

"You're doing it again," Johanna sighed from one of the couches, looking like she was drowning in a baggy black sweater. "Just sit. Jesus, she's with Breccan Tullis, the worst thing he could do is drown her in his tears. That girl must have something that attracts those Gamemakers."

Finnick sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "Tell me again why you're here? I don't remember giving you a key."

"As if you keep it locked anyway?" She raised a brow and got that sly smile on her face. "We're never on the same circuit anymore, so I thought I'd drop in and make myself at home. I can't remember the last time you were in Seven…I thought we were friends, Finn."

He gave her a blank look and sighed, but went and sat on the couch with her anyway. "I've been busy," he mumbled, his fingers itching for a length of rope. He couldn't take the waiting, because then he'd start coming up with elaborate situations which always ended with Rini's body being tossed into an alley somewhere. He rubbed his face vigorously and crossed his arms firmly over his chest. "I'll come soon, there were just some things I needed to take care of."

"Things," Johanna repeated, rolling her eyes. "Haven't you figured out that you can't save everyone?" She picked at the sofa's fabric, nudging him with her foot.

"I'm not doing anything for her," Finnick said and he took her foot in his big hand, beginning to knead her sole with his thumbs. "She's getting stronger. She's saving herself."

"We'll see how strong she is when she gets back. She looked pretty fragile the last time I saw her. I guess a marriage to Seneca Crane would toughen anyone up, though." She pointed her foot until her ankle popped and she sighed, closing her eyes while Finnick held onto her foot. "Have you told her yet?"

"She found out by mistake," He murmured, assuming that she was talking about the uprising. "But yes. She knows." He felt his heart jump to his throat when he heard the front door open. After a moment the redhead appeared, stopping when she saw Johanna and Finnick waiting there.

"Johanna. Finnick," She murmured, her curls haphazardly tied into a bun on top of her head. "How are you? Keeping busy?"

"How was Breccen? Not so bad if you don't mind the crying, yeah?" The brunette sat up and she smirked at Renata, trying to get some sort of emotional reaction out of her. "I reckon he's a right bit different from dearly departed husband?"

"Johanna," Finnick snapped, glaring daggers at her.

"I was just asking," She retorted. "What, did you think I was going to baby her?" She turned her head to look at Rini, raising her eyebrows. "Are you a baby? Do I need to baby you?"

Renata stared at Johanna for a moment before a smile grew on her lips. "No. I'm not."

"Then you will excuse me for treating you like the adult you are," She muttered and stood up, shooting Finnick a look –ha!- and going to get a drink from the kitchen.

Finnick pursed his lips and he stood up, looking at Renata thoroughly. She looked disheveled, but overall unharmed. He hated Johanna's tactic of acting like the whole thing wasn't a big deal. It was emotionally scarring, no matter how she chose to handle it. "You okay?" he asked her, keeping some distance between them.

Renata nodded and she stifled a yawn. "I'm actually alright. What I'd really like is a bath, though."

"I could start one for you, if you like?" He smiled when she nodded and headed to fill the large tub in his bathroom. He turned off the faucet when it was full and started out the door, bumping into the redhead. "Need anything else? You hungry?"

"You could stay with me if you don't mind. I don't want to keep you from Johanna if she needs you," She pursed her lips and set her clean clothes on the sink, beginning to take off her jewelry.

"I can stay," Finnick shook his head and he smiled, a bit of color going to his cheeks despite his effort to stay calm. He stepped out of the bathroom out of respect for her, coming back in when he heard her settle into the warm water.

"Do you ever think about your mom?" she asked after a few quiet moments.

Finnick smiled and he shrugged, laying his cheek on the side of the tub. "All the time. Why?"

"What do you think she'd think about all this? Doing this kind of stuff…would she be angry?"

"She started crying the first time they called on me. She couldn't believe that something like this went on, and that they used people as young as me." Finnick had a funny look on his face, and he stared at Renata without blinking, reminding her of Breccen. "She said that she'd go straight to President Snow and tell him just what she thought of his proposition and where he could shove it," he laughed, having a sad smile on his face. "I should've just listened when they first came."

Renata lifted her hand and she put it to his cheek, making a few streaks of warm water trickle down his cheek. "Do you think you'd have acted the same way she had if your child were in this situation?"

"Without a doubt," he murmured, closing his eyes. "But I don't have children. I never planned on it."

"But if you could?"

He opened one eye and looked at her curiously. "Not like this. I don't want to father a child living like this. The President toyed around with the idea of selling my seed," he pursed his lip and turned red with embarrassment. "He thought that people would pay an arm and a leg to have a child by me, but…thank god he didn't see that as a very good plan. I didn't really like the idea of having hundreds of children running around, either." He sighed and shrugged.

"I used to want a big family, since I never had one," Renata said quietly, letting her hand fall into the tub with a small splash. "I told my dad I wanted to have six babies, so they'd never have to be lonely," she smiled at the memory. "But when I think about it now, it's just silly. I don't feel the desire to have children at all. Not when they'd be so easily lost."

"But if things were different?" Finnick asked. "You'd still have those six babies?"

She smiled and shook her head. "I don't know. I try not to think about how life would be if things were different. It makes living in the present too painful." She sighed and after a moment spoke again, "Could I ask you something? If I wanted to go see Leona and the kids when we get back, would you go with me?"

"Of course," he nodded, the tip of his ears pink. He hadn't been sure what she was going to ask him with all the talk about children. "Rini? Things could very well be different soon." He voiced quietly. He stood up and kissed the top of her head, giving her one last glance over his shoulder before leaving her in the bath.

**I regret to inform that I am starting school on Monday, and I'm just 50 shades of not excited. Sooo nervous agh and I want to have time for writing. I'm going to make a real effort to keep it up, because I'm really liking the start I've got going on with these first few chapters. How about this one, eh? Kind of odd. I wanted to have some time for just Rini, and then I really wanted to bring Johanna back for more because ughhh jadore.**

**Thank you as always for taking the time to read, I hope you enjoyed it :D you all are fantastic! :)**

**Hopefully you'll hear from me soon!**

**-Kelsey xx**


	4. Chapter 4

There are five stages of grieving. The forth being depression.

"Rini?" Finnick lingered in the open doorway of the room, his eyes adjusting to the dark. She had relapsed into hiding herself in her room again, and when she did come out, she seemed to wander around the house in a fog. He walked over to her bed and frowned when he heard a sniffle from within the bundle of blankets. The temperature of the room was mild enough to not need a blanket, let alone more than one, but Renata still carried that fear of freezing cold from her arena two years before. He unearthed her from her cocoon and pursed his lips when he saw that heartbreaking look on her face. Without a word, he climbed into bed beside her and held her close, feeling her shoulders shake with quiet sobs.

"I keep thinking about it, I can't help it. I heard them take him away," She whispered, her small voice muffled even more so against his chest. She wrapped her arm around Finnick and held onto him tightly, the feeling of him holding her enough to lessen the aching her body felt. "B-before, it was just luck, really. He called and I was the one that answered. I got to see him one last time before…" She swallowed and sniffled, closing her eyes when Finnick kissed her forehead. "I just wish I would've known, I wanted to say so many things to him. He must have known. He had to have known. I miss him so much."

He gently stroked her hair and held her close, her body warm as it pressed against him.

"I know I can't change it. I know he's gone, and it's partially my fault-"

"Rini-" He started, but she kept going.

"It is, Finnick. God, all I had to do was lie back and listen, why couldn't I have done that?" She cleared her throat and sighed. "But there's nothing I can do about it now. I can't stop living my own life to try and bring him back. That won't work. I need to let go of him," tears had begun to creep back into her voice. "B-but I don't want to. I can't. I feel so hollow every time I think I can maybe be happy again, because he's dead." Her hand balled into a fist and she began to shake with the effort of holding back tears. "So maybe I deserve to be unhappy for the rest of my life. However long or short it is." She felt so weak, one of the things she despised most. She had wanted to become whole on her own, but she couldn't. It was too hard for her to pick herself up every day and live. She held onto Finnick tighter and swallowed when he tightened his arms around her. Even if just for a little while, she'd let him hold her together.

"You don't deserve to be unhappy," Finnick whispered. "It's just a consequence of the games. All of us victors…a piece of us died in the arena and we can never get that back. And with things that happen afterwards," he sighed and tilted her face up. "They're trying to take our humanity away."

"To break us," Renata whispered, remembering Snow's words. She sniffled again and shivered, her eyes looking into his. "I just wish I could've said goodbye."

* * *

"What's this?" Renata asked, pulling her jacket tighter around her as she walked down to the sand, where Finnick was waiting for her. Her throat tightened as she saw the others gathered around him. "Leona?"

The older woman had seen better days. She gave Rini a small nod and bounced Vic on her hip. The young child smiled when he saw Rini and gave her a waggle of his chubby wrist. "Hello, Renata."

"Rini," Aria went over to her and hugged her tightly, and Renata felt so overwhelmed that she choked back a sob. "I missed you."

"I missed you too. So much," She whispered, holding the young girl close and kissing the top of her head. She pulled away and looked at her a moment, smiling despite her trembling lips. It had only months, but nine year old looked so different. She released Aria's shoulders and walked closer to the shore, swallowing when she saw Polom.

"Hi, Rini," He said quietly, glancing at her face before looking back at the sand. He crossed his arms over his chest and didn't say anything else.

"I thought that this would be a good thing for you, and I spoke to Leona about it and she thought so too," Finnick began, grabbing Renata's elbow and giving her a smile. He motioned to the tiny shrine-like boat at his feet, the inside filled with sand, small stones, and a candle right in the middle.

It was something of a tradition in District Four to light a candle and send it out on the water to honor or remember a loved one. The ceremony was usually done for those lost at sea and Rini could remember Cecil insisting on doing this such service for her father years ago. It was believed to help the ones left behind let go of their hurt and give the ones that had passed on a sign that they were beginning to heal.

Renata watched as Leona set Vic down on the sand, giving his head a loving pat before helping Finnick lift the boat and set it on the water's surface. The kids waded into the water and placed their hands on it, holding it from floating away.

"Come on, Rini," Leona beckoned to her as Finnick struck a match and lit the candle. He passed her on her way into the water, stepping back to give the family their privacy.

Her hands trembled as she placed them on the edge of the boat, looking at the flame as it danced in the gentle breeze. Her emotions were welling up inside her, and she didn't want to let go of the boat for anything. That meant letting go of Cecil, of the man that had first shown her unconditional love. Tears streamed down her face and in the fading daylight she could see that the other three were also crying. She willed herself to let go, felt her arms tense as she prepared to do so. One by one they removed their hands and finally, when Leona put a hand on her shoulder, Renata let go.

The boat bobbed in front of them for a moment, hesitating before the wind began to sweep it away. The small flame stayed lit even after the sun went down and Leona took the kids home, a silent goodbye exchanged between them.

Renata stayed in the water, swaying with the waved that moved against her, her eyes not leaving the tiny speck in the distance. She smiled and laughed quietly, looking at Finnick as he stood in the surf beside her.

"What's funny?" he murmured, watching her intently.

"I do feel better," she sighed, standing a bit taller. It was true. The weight that she had been carrying around on her shoulders felt lessened. The empty feeling in her stomach didn't feel quite so hollow anymore. Maybe she was beginning to heal. "Do you believe it? That they can see the light from wherever they are?"

"I think so," Finnick nodded. "I would hope that they're still thinking about us." He looked up at the night sky and he closed his eyes, the wind ruffling his hair.

She admired him by the light of the moon, feeling the desire for the hundredth time to reach out and touch him, but not disturb him from whatever private moment he was having. When she looked back out at the water, she found that the light was nowhere in sight. "It's gone," she murmured. The wind could have finally blown the flame out, or a swell had overtaken it. Who knew how many lay at the bottom of the ocean? She smiled and squeezed Finnick's hand when he slipped it with hers. "I'm okay," she said, nodding. "I mean it. I'm going to be okay."

"Yes, you are," Finnick nodded in return. He let go of her hand and turned around, getting out of the water. He returned after a moment with a second little shrine, surprising her. Had that been on shore too?

"For your mother?" Renata asked as he lit the candle, the wind a bit stronger now and making the flame move rapidly. She gently set her hands on the side and held it steady, the fire gleaming in her eyes.

"No, I thought you'd maybe want one for Seneca," he said quietly, taking the redhead completely by surprise.

"Finnick," She whispered, swallowing. She tried to come up with something; a thanks? But he merely nodded and left her in the water alone. She held her breath as she held onto the boat and after a moment she let it out and removed her hands, the wind catching the boat and carrying it away from her. She turned away from the flickering shrine and waded back to shore, taking Finnick's hand when he offered it to her. They stood together quietly, watching the boat for a few long minutes. How strange it was to send out a tradition so sacred to their home for a stranger in the Capitol. It may have been the first instance of such a thing.

"Thank you," She whispered, shivering as the wind blew against her wet lower half. "For everything."

"You don't have to thank me. I did it because I wanted to," he murmured, eyes on the boat.

Renata looked up at him and she swallowed, at a loss for words. "Why? Why is all of this so easy for you to deal with? Why am I so easy to deal with?"

Finnick faced her, studying her. "You aren't easy to deal with," He finally grinned. "Hell, on your bad days I think about dunking you in the ocean for good measure, but…" He laughed and shook his head. He stared at her silently until her cheeks burned red and she felt her heart thud nearly to a stop. "I do it because I love you, Rini."

She stared back at him, the depth of his words slowly sinking in her skin and warming her to her very core. "Even though I'm broken?" She finally spoke, searching his face for an answer as he stepped closer to her.

"Would you stop loving me if I weren't?" He asked with a frighteningly serious expression.

She choked out a weak laugh and a tear fell from the corner of her eye, streaking down her freckled face. "Never," she croaked, reaching up to cup his face in her hands. He leaned down to her and their lips touched in a gentle kiss, deepening as he gathered her into his arms.

She could be strong without him. She knew that, and so did he. Whole, maybe not, for they were both a half of a person. Destroyed by the games and the after burn, there wasn't very much hope that they could gain back that sense of humanity that they had lost. Through the people they killed, and the unspeakable things they had been forced to do, there was a point at which one couldn't cross the threshold back. But together it was a little easier. They could build one another up.

They could be whole together.

**Hello all. I thought it was about time for a little Finnata, I was needing some badly. Things are about to start getting more exciting, I promise! Sorry it hasn't been all that actiony yet, I'm trying to set up a good groundwork for the events in Catchin Fire and Mockinjay.**

**Thank you for reading and especially to those that leave me a review, you don't know how happy it makes me and how eager it makes me want to post the next chapter! I hope you all have a lovely week, and thank you again so much for reading :D**

**One last thought, if you're interested, I have a playlist for Finnick and Rini on my 8tracks account! My account name is meowkelsey if you'd like to find me and give a listen!**

**-Kelsey x**


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